Dreamscape: Mexican Cigarettes

I had my first dream involving ASL (American Sign Language) last night. I was waiting for the bus, it would come anytime. He drove up and said he was looking to buy something, but I couldn't figure out what he was saying... I realized that somewhere along the line he'd stopped speaking to me verbally and started signing. He was signing "Mexican", but I didn' t get it until he switched to the word "spanish". (which I thought I'd originally learned meant Mexican as well, but it appears doesn't. I'd just learned the proper sign for it yesterday in class) Oh! Mexican cigarettes, gotcha. ya, actually, this guy right here has some, maybe he'll sell them.

The guy says he will, and his wife is startled. She says something like "oh no, you're not going to sell those are you??" He replies that they need the money more than the cigarettes. (I recognized the scarcity of the product in my dream so I understood why it would be appealing) I walked back to the car and signed "30" I added "dollars" on the end, feeling concerned that he wouldn't know what the number meant without the referent. (duh) He gives me the money and I take it over to the guy. He pulls out the pack, and it's all sort of smashed. I cringe mentally. As the go between, do I take a product, overpriced, back to him that's inferior? Is it worth it to him to have it anyway, considering the scarcity? I can't make that decision and go with the Stroker Ace philosophy of "I know nothing, I am just a messenger."

The pack drops, and a little cellephane wrapped bit of extra tobacco falls out, he says he's going to keep that. The tobacco is lovely. It's a beautiful deep magenta seeping into puple (a nice RVR with some RVR S1 traits, for you art geek types) color, fuzzy like wool roving (do we have felting on the mind, mo??) with these dark spots in it. My mouth turns into an O of understanding. Well, no wonder this would be scarce and desired, just *look* at it. I decide that he isn't going to care if it's smashed, he can just smoke it in some other format if it's too ugly, the tobacco is what's important, I'm sure.

I take it back to him, getting a little edgy because the bus will be there *any* second. He's disappointed, I can tell. I offer to get his money back if he wants and he waffles. As the bus is pulling up, I'm panicking. I *have* to get where I'm going on that bus, and I know damn well he's not going to offer me a ride if I miss it. He finally decides to get the money back and I sigh internally and dutifully take the pack, watching the bus getting ready to pull away.
*****

Aside from my complete inability to set good dreamscape boundaries to get my own needs met over his, I'm so tweaked by the idea that I had a dream in ASL. Maybe not completely in ASL, but a mix. It was wonderful. There are some things that are just handier to sign than to say, and I love the idea of mixing the two in daily conversation. The origin of ASL has its roots in Martha's Vineyard. Apparently, there was an unusually high rate of genetic deafness in that population. The majority of residents had some proficiency in signing, since so many people they dealt with daily were deaf. Even between hearing people, there would be a mix of signing and verbal communication, based on what was simpler to use to communicate a thought. There are things, like directions and descriptions and emotional context that are just way more effective in ASL then they ever could be in English. Some of that stuff is right up my alley, it's body language with structure and consistancy so everyone can read it if they know how.

Of course, pretty much all non-verbal communication can be read if you know how. People are amazingly consistent in the way they communicate. For a paper I'm writing, I've been researching those seduction websites. I'm still pretty early into it, but the primary thrust seems to be teaching and manipulating body language in order to get a woman in bed. I'm fascinated by how they hook guys into these pages by implying that society set them up for failure with women by watering down their manhood, then immediately turns around and teaches them TO BE MORE LIKE WOMEN.

There are plenty of pot shots in there about "chick logic" and implications that women want men to take charge so they can subsume their desires to his, but it seems it's more a way to manipulate the male ego to think they're being manly, when in reality they're being taught to have the very feminine trait of sensitivity to the other persons body language in order to get what they want from them. Sure, it's plenty insulting that the highest goal they can think of is to actually get to put their dick inside a pussy, but it's the methodology that's bloody serious. (in fact, it's mucking up the primary thrust of my paper, and that pisses me off)

I started being annoyed that they would advocate the man pretty much turn off their authentic self and concentrate solely on being what they discover the other person wants. Then I realized... wait a minute, that's what women have been doing for centuries, is it so bad for them to get a taste of what that's like? (Oh, of course I love football/cars/monster truck races, *flutter flutter* I would love to go with you.) Ok, well, that mucks up my paper too. Then I was bristling at the metaphoric language: chick, chump, laid until I realized this was just a tool to stroke male ego in an already vulnerable state (if you weren't feeling unsuccessful with women, you wouldn't be there, right?) in order to help them feel some power over a situation they find overwhelming.

I think my main point is valid that these websites don't do much to further open honest communication between members of the opposite sex and set up relationships on a fundamentally dishonest platform by forcing one of the people into a *performance* instead of an authentic representation of their personality. However, it's possible that they're *extremely* useful in being a bridge between old (and increasingly ineffective, inappropriate, and unfair) expectations of how men are expected to act, and the new reality of our more female based societal reality. In relationships, jobs, parenting, and more, men are expected to be more able to operate in our increasingly service based society. That means they have to develop skills like being more sensitive, multi-tasking, and understanding body/meta language the way women have been doing for a lot longer.

I firmly believe men are perfectly capable of developing these new skill sets, but are still struggling to do it willingly. Men do a lot to keep each other in line, the very nature of male bonding is one of sadism on an emotional and physical level. They think nothing of humiliating a friend in order to make sure the friend upholds the standards of masculinity he feels are important. Female society isn't much kinder to their own members, of course, but womens liberation has done a lot to muddle the issue even among ourselves. We can't force someone to conform when we've been told from the moment we could understand that we could do anything, that we can stay at home or work, we can have kids or not, we can be more masculine or more feminine, wear make-up or not, and it's all ok. We have been given the freedom of variety that is still considered normal and acceptable. Men haven't been given that freedom yet, and they are trying to figure out what to do now.

My peers are all young. My masculinity class is full of women who scoff at the stereotypes of manhood presented in the literature we're reading. They simply can't believe that men would be so emotionally crippled, so unable to communicate their feelings, so unwilling to consider alternative viewpoints, (especially coming from a woman) and so threatened by female success/assertiveness/independence. Their boyfriends are nothing like that. I don't think they're lying, I think, truly, the new generation of men reaching adulthood have a new understanding and a new freedom never before seen in men's lives.

A friend of mine explained this split when we were discussing a situation that had happened in a group we are both a part of, where it seemed the problem lay distinctly down generational and male lines. He said "well sure, it's because we're not assholes. We are the first generation of men to be raised primarily by women." I was absolutely confounded. Is that true? I think it may be. Single motherhood is reaching levels where joint parenting is becoming the surprise to discover. If nothing else, fathers are recognizing the shift in society that tells them that their warrior skills are no longer the ones really needed in the society they live in. Kids have to have people skills: jobs require greater levels of sensitivity, understanding and interpersonal relationship skills to be successful. A penis and a good golf score simply aren't going to get you ahead anymore.

No matter what, there's a difference between the men my age and the men in the undergraduate studies now. (those are the men I see most commonly right now) There's even more of a difference between men my age and their fathers. Most men I know my age are fucked up. They are struggling to identify who they are as men, and what manhood means at all. They aren't like their fathers in any real way. They were raised by those men, however, and have come to adulthood with some of the expectations of male entitlement that were the natural birthright of the penis bearer in our society as late at their own fathers time. That entitlement simply isn't as easy to come by anymore. Women bonded to the men my age were raised by the first generation of feminists, the first wave of women who came to adulthood with expectations of their own entitlement: entitlement to a job with a competitive to men wage, entitlement to their own sexual pleasure, entitlement to help around the house when they too work outside it, entitlement to pursue their own interests and to expect support from their mates to accomplish it. This stuff is all radically new, and it happened since I was born.

The first programs in feminist/womens studies started in 1972. I was born in 1973. The bonding together of women who stood up and said "we will not be allow ourselves to be oppressed anymore" happened as my mother was blossoming into adulthood, deciding what kind of adult she wanted to be. She is so different from her own mother, that not just grandma being foreign (Latvian) and my mom being raised basically American explains it. I had always just thought it was a cultural difference. It is, of course, but I think it's much huger than country of origin. My mom was a transitional generation. She isn't on board with all that feminist crap. She still wants her door opened and if you want to get in her drawers, you better buy her dinner. On the other hand, she in no way expects that any woman should have to tolerate an inferior position in society based on gender, and in the workplace, she expects absolute parity between the sexes. Go mom. I was raised unfettered by any real notion that my gender would be something that would hold me back in the world. I thought being a woman was GREAT. I got to do anything I wanted, and men buy me stuff, open my doors and work hard to convince me to *allow* them to get in my pants. It was a good deal, I thought.

Now, I'm not quite that person anymore. I married a feminist, and he broke me of those notions of getting my door opened and getting stuff bought for me just because I was a woman pretty quickly. You want equality? You got it, babe, open your own damn door. It ended up being a fair trade. I opened my own door, he did the dishes.

Somewhere along the line tho, he cracked. I can only speculate on what caused it, I never even identified the situation until it was well over. Was it the pressure from his own gender? Did his imbedded ideas of what a man is really like finally leak through the seal he'd put on them until there was a crack that broke the whole thing down? Was it subtle pressure from his dad, implications that he wasn't a real man? Was it his own insecurities about being ahead of the curve, a man unlike the men around him? And he was. He was unlike the men around him, he was unlike anything I'd ever seen before, unlike anything I had known was possible for a man to be. Those men are the standard now, they're just 20 years old and not 30something. He was a man ahead of his time, and maybe being on the frontier just got to be too much. He's retreated into traditional masculinity with an aplomb I find sort of fascinating, if grisly.

It's interesting to see that it was in there all the time. He slid into it and it fits him like a glove. I wonder if it feels to him like my trip into emotional addiction felt to me... like returning to the womb, pure pleasure in running amok. He claims this was in him the whole time, and I can see he is right. It's got to be an intense relief to be away from all that pressure, to just be a "guy". I find myself wondering if the 20 year olds are going to revert after a time, or if the new generation will be able to hold true to the change.

I went to a lecture by Michael Kimmel, and he talked about how this change we're seeing is inevitable. Men simply are going to have to take on more traditionally feminine roles in society. Those roles still need to be filled, and women aren't going to back to working in the house only. This hasn't been completely accepted yet, it seems. In 1992, the... oh damn, what is the name of that guy, the member of the cabinet in charge of labor... anyway, he said that unemployment rates would drop to acceptable levels if women would just go back to the homes. *laughs* 19fucking92 people, and shit like that was not only still said out loud, but by a cabinet official. In any case, he pointed out the definite benefits to men if they take on these roles. If they're helping around the house, the woman they're with is going to be less tired, more happy, and more likely to have the energy and desire to have sex. Men who help around the house get laid more. They actually did the research. Men who help around the house have better health stats, more connection with their children, the children are better adjusted and get in less trouble academically and socially. Everyone wins here.

This isn't to say that people (especially Americans) aren't willing to deny the inevitable for longer than seems humanly possible, (look at our environmental situation) but unless the current administration is actually successful in getting women barefoot, pregnant and chained to the stove once again, it looks like the dialogue between men and women in relationships changing to one of more egalitarian sets of domestic responsibilities truly is inevitable. Those 20 year olds aren't going to have the option of reverting, not if they ever want to get laid again. The 30somethings, well, they can still find women who are willing to put up with all manner of misogynistic nonsense, but those women are getting harder and harder to find. Let's hope, anyway.

edit 4-13-05- I would like to say that I am thankful that for this once, my procrastination basically took the form of writing out the contents as they stood for my paper, and I'm able to take this post, play around with it, and form it into a rather workable rough draft to go over in class today, yeah me! I managed to blab on for 4 pages worth once I added an introductory paragraph, and took out my naturally vulgar expletives. w00t!