The word of the day today is lassitude. I've always liked that word. It brings to mind stretching out on a warm rock after a cool swim to let the sunshine bake you dry. I picture my muscles dissolving into gooey pleasure after an orgasm leaves me in a limp state of blissful lassitude.
I am familier enough with the word, that I almost didn't bother opening the e-mail containing its definition today. On a whim, I did open it. I often like the quotes they use when putting the word in context.
Word of the Day for Monday November 28, 2005
lassitude \LASS-uh-tood; LASS-uh-tyood\, noun:
Lack of vitality or energy; weariness; listlessness.
The feverish excitement ... had given place to a dull,
regretful lassitude.
--George Eliot, [1]Romola
Wow, that's nowhere near baking on a hot rock in the sun after a long cool swim! I can see how I've seen that word in that context and how it works. Yet, like so many things, it cuts another direction as well. As a friend said to me recently... "that good nature cuts both ways." The bliss of relaxation can just as easily be the listlessness of apathy.
It's the perfect word for today. The sky is gray and puffy, rain ensconces the house and the general womblike atmosphere leaves me alone with my thoughts. It's a good day for such encompassing gloom. My trip to my hometown last week had me visiting my childhood haunts. I even drove by the family farm where it was finally impressed deeply into me, you can never go home. The place is unrecognizable from the days when my family owned it. I felt it was an omen to let go of that past, let go of the bitterness I still clung to about not inheriting the place as I'd expected to. Now, it doesn't matter. It's not the home I remember, it's not the place my heart resides. It's just another piece of land.
The residence of my heart is certainly in question right now. Where is my home, and where do I belong? I think being in rentals doesn't suite me. I feel without roots, without future. Perhaps being single is not suiting me either. Somehow, the slings and arrows of friendships coming and going in my life strike deeper now than ever before. When I was married, people came and left in my life, and it didn't seem as big a blow. I hate being in a house that doesn't belong to me. I feel like there's no point doing any improvements or making any changes. After all, I'm not going to benefit from them, what's the point? I was to help a friend do some painting and such in their house. Perhaps working on a place someone else has an investment in would be satisfying as well. But, I don't see it working out. Why?
Because friendships seem to be as transient as rental houses in my life. I seem to be incapable of identifying permenancy in my life anymore. I was aware of NRE in the sense of romantic relationships. New Relationship Energy, the glow of the new thing, where everything seems brighter and happier because you think your new partner hung the moon. I guess I just never thought it applied to me, or to friendships as well as romantic relationships. Have people always moved through my life so quickly?
Perhaps it's the nature of getting older that time moves so quickly. It's amazing to me that the year is coming to a close. It was so very recently in my head that my life broke with a big cracking noise at the beginning of the year. It seems like just a few weeks ago that a summer romance was in full bloom. It seems like only yesterday that I realized as the summer project came to a close, so did that blooming flower. Where does the time go?
Life moves so very quickly now. It's all passing by so fast, and I'm struggling to figure out what I've done to show it was well spent. I find myself obsessed with the elderly, thinking of my future and what kind of old person will I be? Will I be in pain? Will I be one of those amazing older people who glide into their old age only having to slow down a bit to accomodate for stiffer joints? Somehow, my guess is more the first than the second. Why do I feel like I'm running out of time to make a real difference? Where is that pressure coming from?
I'm in my early 30's, and presumably there's a lot of time left for me to accomplish a lot in my life. Yet, I see others who are pushing 40, in their 40's and my own parents now in their 50's all feeling the same feelings of regretful lassitude about making a real impression on the world they live in.
And you are young and life is long
And there is time to kill today
And then one day you find
Ten years have got behind you
No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun
I keep thinking I have time, and yet, 10 years ago, I felt like that was the time to get serious. What have I done in that time that has lasted? My kids. They are what I've made that lives on. But, have I given them the roots they need to reach into the uncertainty of their future, do they have a home? No. No, because I don't have a home, I don't have a community, and my future is just as uncertain as their own.
Monday, November 28, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
The Employment Quandary
Employment has been spreading like a disease amoung the people I call my community. Over the summer, it was a grand experiment in zero or minimal employment, and the results were a mixed success. (otherwise known as an unacknowledged failure) One by one, as the leaves fell from the trees, the slackers fell from the unemployment party boat.
The summer was glorious. It was the summer of the watermelon sarong and spending more time cooking over a fire than in the house. It was sunshine on the stone of the quarry, nettles on the path to the cooling creek, rust dust so thick on my skin it looked like I had more of a tan than I did. And I did have a tan. I had a wonderful, healthy glowing tan this summer. A tan like childhood summers where there was no responsibility but the pursuit of fun.
As the tan has faded and the cooling green leaves turned to their autumn glory, the grand adventure came to a close. Like fall this year, it was slow to happen. Little pieces fell away a bit at a time. One of us started working from home, the other always worked from home but then got more work to do. Another goes from part-time to full, yet another abandons the smug satisfaction of the unemployment check for sore feet and a 40% retail discount. My own mother, taking a job on a whim after 3 years of maintaining her unemployment, decided to go from temporary to permanent full time work. My own mother!
The final straw comes from having my Wednesdays stripped from me with the paltry excuse of needing to not only pay for child support and rent, but to eat as well. I find that exceedingly selfish and short sighted. He could lose a few pounds, it wouldn't hurt. Hell, it may even help his sex life. Think ahead, people!
There are more examples, but the whole thing leaves me a little queasy and slightly disdainful. Who would choose to work? Not really any of them, actually. The rock star, the mountain man, the actress, the pin-up girl, the crafter, the playboy, and me, the artist. We each have other things we'd rather be doing but working. Yet, the siren song of materialistic gain and practical comfort becomes an insistant buzz in the ear as winter approaches. Is it the season for employment? Does money become something more relevant or vital when the weather is hazardous to our health?
Even I, a hard core employmentphobe, am considering going back to work. Why? It appears that guilt, of all things, is the catalyst to spur me from my entrenched stance on an issue near and dear to my heart: Staying unemployed at all costs. Apparently, not all costs. I never in million years would have believed I could be guilted back into the monetary arena, but here it is. If others can do it, so can I. Not just that, but the responsibilities of employment stimulate me in other areas of my life the way being home all the time does not. It just about kills me to say that, but it's true.
My unemployed status has cost someone else their free time, time with their children. That galls me. I don't mind being poor. I can live with the judgement of being a slacker, even a sponge, but I can't live with the idea that because of a financial commitment to me, that person is being denied time away from work, a thing I value more highly than any reward work can offer. To add to this, a community establishment may need to close. Not really because I didn't work, but could be saved if I did. That may be a slippery slope of responsibility, but it's one that added to the first becomes an employment necessity.
And let's face it. I'm a girl who likes nice things. Poverty, while acceptable in the face of the alternative, (employment) is not exactly a prized and valued state of being in my life. So, if you can't beat them... join them. (and get paid for beating them *laughs*) So, get to work, little missy, your summer is over.
The summer was glorious. It was the summer of the watermelon sarong and spending more time cooking over a fire than in the house. It was sunshine on the stone of the quarry, nettles on the path to the cooling creek, rust dust so thick on my skin it looked like I had more of a tan than I did. And I did have a tan. I had a wonderful, healthy glowing tan this summer. A tan like childhood summers where there was no responsibility but the pursuit of fun.
As the tan has faded and the cooling green leaves turned to their autumn glory, the grand adventure came to a close. Like fall this year, it was slow to happen. Little pieces fell away a bit at a time. One of us started working from home, the other always worked from home but then got more work to do. Another goes from part-time to full, yet another abandons the smug satisfaction of the unemployment check for sore feet and a 40% retail discount. My own mother, taking a job on a whim after 3 years of maintaining her unemployment, decided to go from temporary to permanent full time work. My own mother!
The final straw comes from having my Wednesdays stripped from me with the paltry excuse of needing to not only pay for child support and rent, but to eat as well. I find that exceedingly selfish and short sighted. He could lose a few pounds, it wouldn't hurt. Hell, it may even help his sex life. Think ahead, people!
There are more examples, but the whole thing leaves me a little queasy and slightly disdainful. Who would choose to work? Not really any of them, actually. The rock star, the mountain man, the actress, the pin-up girl, the crafter, the playboy, and me, the artist. We each have other things we'd rather be doing but working. Yet, the siren song of materialistic gain and practical comfort becomes an insistant buzz in the ear as winter approaches. Is it the season for employment? Does money become something more relevant or vital when the weather is hazardous to our health?
Even I, a hard core employmentphobe, am considering going back to work. Why? It appears that guilt, of all things, is the catalyst to spur me from my entrenched stance on an issue near and dear to my heart: Staying unemployed at all costs. Apparently, not all costs. I never in million years would have believed I could be guilted back into the monetary arena, but here it is. If others can do it, so can I. Not just that, but the responsibilities of employment stimulate me in other areas of my life the way being home all the time does not. It just about kills me to say that, but it's true.
My unemployed status has cost someone else their free time, time with their children. That galls me. I don't mind being poor. I can live with the judgement of being a slacker, even a sponge, but I can't live with the idea that because of a financial commitment to me, that person is being denied time away from work, a thing I value more highly than any reward work can offer. To add to this, a community establishment may need to close. Not really because I didn't work, but could be saved if I did. That may be a slippery slope of responsibility, but it's one that added to the first becomes an employment necessity.
And let's face it. I'm a girl who likes nice things. Poverty, while acceptable in the face of the alternative, (employment) is not exactly a prized and valued state of being in my life. So, if you can't beat them... join them. (and get paid for beating them *laughs*) So, get to work, little missy, your summer is over.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
Drama Magnet?
I've been thinking a lot about drama lately. I don't think of myself as an overly dramatic person. I think of myself as dramatic in the sense of vivid, sometimes flashy, intense... but not in the sense of Drama followed by Queen. However, I seem to mysteriously find myself embroiled in drama situations with some frequency. I find this aspect of my life stressful and unpleasant. I really do enjoy a fairly quiet existance. I am content with calm.
I know some people who manufacture drama. These people are uncomfortable with calm, uneasy in silence, and view an even keel with suspicion bordering on hostility. They have a tendency to shake the boat, just to find their comfort zone in the chaos. I'm not one of those people. I want things calm, I seek to stabilize chaotic situations so I can return to a placid existance where I'm comfortable.
Does that make me not a drama generator, but instead a drama magnet? How does it work exactly? Do I seek out drama generators in order to stimulate myself? Do drama generators seek me out because I'm calming? Is this a pattern that will repeat itself throughout my life, causing me to consistantly deal with chaos stressors of what seem to be my choosing?
I know I am drawn to people who, if not crazy, are loosely hinged. In some ways, those friendships are enjoyable to me because as drama generators, they provide stimulation in the form of entertainment that is "drama that's not mine". Drama that's not mine is fun. Drama that is mine is not fun. Am I just playing with fire when I have those people in my life?
I sat and mulled this over a bit. Who *are* the people who cause the most disturbing drama in my life? Interestingly, they are the people who I don't expect it from. When you meet a high drama person, you expect drama, you're prepared for drama, and you can manage it when it comes down the pike. They aren't doing anything you don't expect from them, so I never let it get to my center, to rock my stability. (for long, anyway)
No, it's the people who I would never expect it from, the people who I feel are more like myself, people who seek calm and seek stability. Those people have drama elements in their life that reach over and rock mine. Are they drama magnets too? Are they powerless to keep themselves from doing a swan dive into the vortex, knowing better, telling themselves they aren't even doing it, and yet going forward with the siren's song in their ears?
In conversations with these people, they are so reasonable. No, of course I won't get involved in that. Yes, I know how damaging that is. Yes, I remember when that happened before with X Drama Generator. It's ok, I will be alright. No, I won't get you involved, of *course* I can keep you out of it. And finally, the last one... No, I won't let this affect our friendship, I can keep these two relationships seperate.
It's that last one that's the kicker. When you have a drama generator in your life, you meet the other drama magnets, the other emotional gimps in their life. You may get out, but they may not. I like the drama gimps. They're my kind of people. I like being around calm, centered people. I'm entertained by drama generators, but it's not a lifestyle. (I can quit anytime, I can!) When a sitation becomes too much, when gimping becomes a lifestyle and I get tired of being the punching bag, I get out. The other gimps are left.
I hate leaving a man behind. I may not be a monument to justice, but I am loyal and I fight for the underdog as a matter of course. Maybe I even seek out drama generators simply because I'm really more interested in the people they surround themselves with than I am the DG themselves. It's easy to leave the drama behind, but the gimps have my heart.
What to do about that? I'm faced again in my life, from several sides, the cusp of the inevitable consequences of being in these situations. Do I bail, leaving the ones I care about, whose company I enjoy and whom I find value in by themselves, just to get free of the drama generators that disturb my life to the point of unacceptability? Or, do I get back involved, hoping that the people I do truly care about can find a way out of the mire to maintain the connection we have?
It brings about a final question, one I tend to shy away from but must finally face. Who are these people without the drama generator they're connected to? If not their current DG, will it be *someone*? If the gimps got together and dumped the DG's, would we live a long life of eternal boredom? If a person is wired to seek out a DG, or has been trained to do such by circumstance, can they ever truly be happy, can they ever really appreciate a relationship/friendship with someone who isn't pure drama?
In What the *Bleep* there is discussion about emotional addiction. The biology of addiction works the same no matter what chemical is effecting the cells. Since emotions are chemicals, people can easy have addictions to particular emotions, and will organize their lives in such a manner to seek out the fulfillment of that addiction. Are gimps addicts? Do they seek out the DG in order to get their fix, their emotional addiction to a certain type of stress that has normalized in their system to the point where the body/mind thinks it needs it in order to be happy? From what I've seen, I am beginning to fear the answer to that question is one that will leave me in constant frustration if I continue to seek out gimp types as close friends and particularly if I seek them out for romantic relationships.
I have this idea that given an opportunity to be around someone who is interesting, vivid, (dramatic!) and who contains a strong personality, but who is actually stable emotionally, anyone who is drawn towards powerful personalities would think that was a great deal, and make that choice. But yet, it's not worked out that way so far.
In The Matrix, there is a discussion about a utopian artificial reality that everyone kept trying to wake up from. Years of dominatrix work, and some amount of time in corporate America has shown me that people like abuse. They think it's normal. Catholic guilt? Is our system so wired to teach people that misery is rewarded with heaven, (and therefore happiness on earth is bound to be punished somehow) that seeking a life of contentment is bound to cause crippling anxiety, feelings of doing something wrong, or not quite living right?
We are all seeking the thing, the magic pill, that's going to cause happiness. Marry the right person, get the right job, have the right house, make the right amount of money, live the right life... if the right combination is found, then happiness will be the natural consequence. But, is it possible that as a culture, we can't even recognize happiness when we have it? If we are all emotional punching bags, and can only find contentment in some form of recognizable and familier pain, is happiness ever truly even a possibility? Is happiness pain?
The Ruiz's say we make our own Hell on earth by engaging in the drama of others. Buddhists take this idea further by putting a label on the consequences of staying in a rut of bad behavior. Karma has become a word integrated into American conciousness, yet there is little talk of changing it. Have we given up on the notion that we can change ourselves, make different choices, recognize the damage we've done in our lives and others by our choices and make different ones in the future?
I hope not, for myself and for the other gimps struggling to find happiness that's not at our own expense.
I know some people who manufacture drama. These people are uncomfortable with calm, uneasy in silence, and view an even keel with suspicion bordering on hostility. They have a tendency to shake the boat, just to find their comfort zone in the chaos. I'm not one of those people. I want things calm, I seek to stabilize chaotic situations so I can return to a placid existance where I'm comfortable.
Does that make me not a drama generator, but instead a drama magnet? How does it work exactly? Do I seek out drama generators in order to stimulate myself? Do drama generators seek me out because I'm calming? Is this a pattern that will repeat itself throughout my life, causing me to consistantly deal with chaos stressors of what seem to be my choosing?
I know I am drawn to people who, if not crazy, are loosely hinged. In some ways, those friendships are enjoyable to me because as drama generators, they provide stimulation in the form of entertainment that is "drama that's not mine". Drama that's not mine is fun. Drama that is mine is not fun. Am I just playing with fire when I have those people in my life?
I sat and mulled this over a bit. Who *are* the people who cause the most disturbing drama in my life? Interestingly, they are the people who I don't expect it from. When you meet a high drama person, you expect drama, you're prepared for drama, and you can manage it when it comes down the pike. They aren't doing anything you don't expect from them, so I never let it get to my center, to rock my stability. (for long, anyway)
No, it's the people who I would never expect it from, the people who I feel are more like myself, people who seek calm and seek stability. Those people have drama elements in their life that reach over and rock mine. Are they drama magnets too? Are they powerless to keep themselves from doing a swan dive into the vortex, knowing better, telling themselves they aren't even doing it, and yet going forward with the siren's song in their ears?
In conversations with these people, they are so reasonable. No, of course I won't get involved in that. Yes, I know how damaging that is. Yes, I remember when that happened before with X Drama Generator. It's ok, I will be alright. No, I won't get you involved, of *course* I can keep you out of it. And finally, the last one... No, I won't let this affect our friendship, I can keep these two relationships seperate.
It's that last one that's the kicker. When you have a drama generator in your life, you meet the other drama magnets, the other emotional gimps in their life. You may get out, but they may not. I like the drama gimps. They're my kind of people. I like being around calm, centered people. I'm entertained by drama generators, but it's not a lifestyle. (I can quit anytime, I can!) When a sitation becomes too much, when gimping becomes a lifestyle and I get tired of being the punching bag, I get out. The other gimps are left.
I hate leaving a man behind. I may not be a monument to justice, but I am loyal and I fight for the underdog as a matter of course. Maybe I even seek out drama generators simply because I'm really more interested in the people they surround themselves with than I am the DG themselves. It's easy to leave the drama behind, but the gimps have my heart.
What to do about that? I'm faced again in my life, from several sides, the cusp of the inevitable consequences of being in these situations. Do I bail, leaving the ones I care about, whose company I enjoy and whom I find value in by themselves, just to get free of the drama generators that disturb my life to the point of unacceptability? Or, do I get back involved, hoping that the people I do truly care about can find a way out of the mire to maintain the connection we have?
It brings about a final question, one I tend to shy away from but must finally face. Who are these people without the drama generator they're connected to? If not their current DG, will it be *someone*? If the gimps got together and dumped the DG's, would we live a long life of eternal boredom? If a person is wired to seek out a DG, or has been trained to do such by circumstance, can they ever truly be happy, can they ever really appreciate a relationship/friendship with someone who isn't pure drama?
In What the *Bleep* there is discussion about emotional addiction. The biology of addiction works the same no matter what chemical is effecting the cells. Since emotions are chemicals, people can easy have addictions to particular emotions, and will organize their lives in such a manner to seek out the fulfillment of that addiction. Are gimps addicts? Do they seek out the DG in order to get their fix, their emotional addiction to a certain type of stress that has normalized in their system to the point where the body/mind thinks it needs it in order to be happy? From what I've seen, I am beginning to fear the answer to that question is one that will leave me in constant frustration if I continue to seek out gimp types as close friends and particularly if I seek them out for romantic relationships.
I have this idea that given an opportunity to be around someone who is interesting, vivid, (dramatic!) and who contains a strong personality, but who is actually stable emotionally, anyone who is drawn towards powerful personalities would think that was a great deal, and make that choice. But yet, it's not worked out that way so far.
In The Matrix, there is a discussion about a utopian artificial reality that everyone kept trying to wake up from. Years of dominatrix work, and some amount of time in corporate America has shown me that people like abuse. They think it's normal. Catholic guilt? Is our system so wired to teach people that misery is rewarded with heaven, (and therefore happiness on earth is bound to be punished somehow) that seeking a life of contentment is bound to cause crippling anxiety, feelings of doing something wrong, or not quite living right?
We are all seeking the thing, the magic pill, that's going to cause happiness. Marry the right person, get the right job, have the right house, make the right amount of money, live the right life... if the right combination is found, then happiness will be the natural consequence. But, is it possible that as a culture, we can't even recognize happiness when we have it? If we are all emotional punching bags, and can only find contentment in some form of recognizable and familier pain, is happiness ever truly even a possibility? Is happiness pain?
The Ruiz's say we make our own Hell on earth by engaging in the drama of others. Buddhists take this idea further by putting a label on the consequences of staying in a rut of bad behavior. Karma has become a word integrated into American conciousness, yet there is little talk of changing it. Have we given up on the notion that we can change ourselves, make different choices, recognize the damage we've done in our lives and others by our choices and make different ones in the future?
I hope not, for myself and for the other gimps struggling to find happiness that's not at our own expense.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Happy Samhain!
I've been waiting for Samhain. It's my favorite pagan holiday, tho I rarely admit that I love this one more than Beltane. Interestingly, my two favorite holidays are the opposites of each other. The joy of this holiday is the breaking point. There are points in timelines that are where you just need to move on. Lammas is that great time when you appreciate what you've accomplished, and you forgive yourself for not being as far along by the time of summer as you expected. Samhain is like the bad ass version of that theory. November 10th isMartini in the Latvian pagan calendar. It's the time to put finish putting up for winter. Done with preserving food, chopping the wood, fall butchering, and time to prepare to hunker down, to see how you did.
Samhain is the time to step away from the things you carry with you, and move into the time when all of your preparations for the year come to fruition. I really like the idea of this as the beginning of the new year. All the time before that is gone, immaterial in the face of survival. All of your energy now is devoted to the new winter coming up. The winter struggle is not the end of the year where at the end of it is spring. Instead, it is the beginning of the year, where you start with what you've got, and at the end of the struggle is the chance to learn from your inadequate prepartion and do better at the end of the year. Start with the struggle, and take those lessons into the easy seasons.
It's good to remember that at the beginning, everything is hard. It's also good to remember to let go the things that are dragging you down before the going gets rough. What baggage am I carrying? I've been waiting for this holiday with both anticipation and dread. Like Lent, this is an important time to cull the unnecessary drama, material goods, unhealthy habits, and not only get out of those ruts, but plant the seeds for a healthier future. Winter is a good time for meditation. Samhain is a great time to identify what it's time to say goodbye to. Why is it so hard to say goodbye to the things that seem to be the most damaging? My list extensive, as I sit and contemplate.
Yet, it's shorter than last year, and certainly less drama filled. Perhaps the lessons of Samhain and the lean months leading up to the ritualistic sacrifice of Lent are taking hold. It's only been in recent years that I have put that effort back into the lessons the holidays bring. Lent was a holiday I celebrated in my childhood, but had only begun to see the serious helpful benefits of the tradition in the last few years. In fact, holidays have begun to fascinate me with their opportunities for ritualistic ways to address different universal aspects of living the human condition. The major (especially pagan) holidays reflect the thoughts people have in an almost universal way based on how nature is acting around them. Samhain reflects the death of the life, the beginning of the ice time. We naturally think about other things that are ending. With endings, thoughts turn naturally to beginnings. After all, what is an end except an opportunity for some other beginning? Beltane, the blossoming of the pregnancy of Winter, the time where all energy reserves are concentrated on cultivating the hidden life of the world. An explosion comes at the end of that slow time, showing us the miracle and joy of new life.
Isn't it wonderful how we can appreciate new life so much more intensely after being denied it's expression for a few months. Without winter's pregnant time, new life comes as no wonder and no surprised delight. We know that from the decadent late summer indulgences of plenty. In the summer, it seems things will grow forever. We never appreciate what is always there, can always be counted on... only denial can remind us to appreciate what fortune there is in happiness.
Happy Samhain, and enjoy the upcoming scarcity as it tempers your summer fat into the satisfaction of survival once again.
Samhain is the time to step away from the things you carry with you, and move into the time when all of your preparations for the year come to fruition. I really like the idea of this as the beginning of the new year. All the time before that is gone, immaterial in the face of survival. All of your energy now is devoted to the new winter coming up. The winter struggle is not the end of the year where at the end of it is spring. Instead, it is the beginning of the year, where you start with what you've got, and at the end of the struggle is the chance to learn from your inadequate prepartion and do better at the end of the year. Start with the struggle, and take those lessons into the easy seasons.
It's good to remember that at the beginning, everything is hard. It's also good to remember to let go the things that are dragging you down before the going gets rough. What baggage am I carrying? I've been waiting for this holiday with both anticipation and dread. Like Lent, this is an important time to cull the unnecessary drama, material goods, unhealthy habits, and not only get out of those ruts, but plant the seeds for a healthier future. Winter is a good time for meditation. Samhain is a great time to identify what it's time to say goodbye to. Why is it so hard to say goodbye to the things that seem to be the most damaging? My list extensive, as I sit and contemplate.
Yet, it's shorter than last year, and certainly less drama filled. Perhaps the lessons of Samhain and the lean months leading up to the ritualistic sacrifice of Lent are taking hold. It's only been in recent years that I have put that effort back into the lessons the holidays bring. Lent was a holiday I celebrated in my childhood, but had only begun to see the serious helpful benefits of the tradition in the last few years. In fact, holidays have begun to fascinate me with their opportunities for ritualistic ways to address different universal aspects of living the human condition. The major (especially pagan) holidays reflect the thoughts people have in an almost universal way based on how nature is acting around them. Samhain reflects the death of the life, the beginning of the ice time. We naturally think about other things that are ending. With endings, thoughts turn naturally to beginnings. After all, what is an end except an opportunity for some other beginning? Beltane, the blossoming of the pregnancy of Winter, the time where all energy reserves are concentrated on cultivating the hidden life of the world. An explosion comes at the end of that slow time, showing us the miracle and joy of new life.
Isn't it wonderful how we can appreciate new life so much more intensely after being denied it's expression for a few months. Without winter's pregnant time, new life comes as no wonder and no surprised delight. We know that from the decadent late summer indulgences of plenty. In the summer, it seems things will grow forever. We never appreciate what is always there, can always be counted on... only denial can remind us to appreciate what fortune there is in happiness.
Happy Samhain, and enjoy the upcoming scarcity as it tempers your summer fat into the satisfaction of survival once again.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Happy Birthday, Boy
Today, Thing 2 is 5 years old. He has proudly told everyone he comes across matter of factly: I am 5 now. Five is a magic number in his head, and it has been for several years. Odd desires are somehow phrased with "well, when I'm 5 I can do that."
How does he know that 5 is a special year? Does he feel a change coming on? At 5, he is transitioning between little kid/toddler to big kid. He's just a kid now, no longer in the gray area between baby and kid. At 5, Thing 1 started being able to cross streets without holding hands. He became more trusted to play outside by himself without getting into the road or breaking any major rules of conduct. At 5, formal schooling begins. We know a child is ready to start pulling away from the hearth and begin actively interacting with the world around him on his own terms.
Thing 1 has always been decisive, (I don't know where he gets that) but now his decisions are with more of a long eye. His rationality is engaged more fully. I can talk to him about future consequences and feel more certain that he can retain enough knowledge of consequences to become more responsible for his actions.
He will no longer be automatically pardoned for his bad behavior, he has to explain his actions. I guess with the gift of not holding hands crossing the street comes the burden of personal responsibility. Welcome to the world of higher conciousness, Thing 2, may the gifts relieve the burdens.
How does he know that 5 is a special year? Does he feel a change coming on? At 5, he is transitioning between little kid/toddler to big kid. He's just a kid now, no longer in the gray area between baby and kid. At 5, Thing 1 started being able to cross streets without holding hands. He became more trusted to play outside by himself without getting into the road or breaking any major rules of conduct. At 5, formal schooling begins. We know a child is ready to start pulling away from the hearth and begin actively interacting with the world around him on his own terms.
Thing 1 has always been decisive, (I don't know where he gets that) but now his decisions are with more of a long eye. His rationality is engaged more fully. I can talk to him about future consequences and feel more certain that he can retain enough knowledge of consequences to become more responsible for his actions.
He will no longer be automatically pardoned for his bad behavior, he has to explain his actions. I guess with the gift of not holding hands crossing the street comes the burden of personal responsibility. Welcome to the world of higher conciousness, Thing 2, may the gifts relieve the burdens.
Monday, October 24, 2005
I are a Homeschooler
Well, I am now officially a member of LEARN. I feel like now I'm going to have my mettle tested as to how cooperative I can be with other homeschooling parents, and how disciplined I can be about keeping up with the joneses, so to speak. Within a day of joining, I got a private e-mail from a woman who runs a reading group. Soon after, a field trip was being organized. It was on at a run! Are we ready for this?
Thing 1 has been resistant about leaving the house. He needed a huge decompression after kindergarten and summer programs. It's only been recently that he's even been willing to leave the house for a trip to the grocery store, much less think about field trips and reading groups. On the other hand, he's been talking about his old school and seems to be starting to miss organized kid time. It's time for the social program to shift into gear. The last thing I want is one of those weirdly socialized homeschool kids who have ugly glasses, polyester pants and an intense compulsion towards competitiveness in spelling bees.
On the other side, this time off has done him a world of good. I remember that scene inParenthood in with Steve Martin where he talks about his kids "tense face", and I knew EXACTLY what face he was talking about. I haven't seen that tense face on Thing 1 in a while now, and it relaxes something tense inside of *me* that was really worried.
I don't know what I was worried about. I don't have a complete name to my restless feeling of impending doom or panic, but that feeling was there. In some ways, it's the tension of living and alternative life, parenting in a different way from the way I was parented and the way their dad was parented. We live in a period of experimental parenting, and it becomes a source of serious parental tension when you pick something and all you can do is wait and see if you made a good choice. When thing start to go wonky, it's the parental guilt I feel first. "oh no, did I cause this? Did I cross a line somewhere just like my family said I would?"
The pressure to have a normal child in the face of a society that hasn't even got normal defined very effectively can wreck havoc on the the already sensitive parental guilt buttons. Do I even want my kid to be "normal" when the kids around me are getting increasingly weird, unhealthy and neurotic as an average? Does average = normal?? As a group, we parents not only can't agree on what the best methods of child raising are, but we can't even agree on what the hoped for end goals are.
I don't want my kid to be normal, I want to raise him in a way freer of the hang-ups, short sightedness, and casual neurosis of the world we live in. I want him to be different, but I don't want him to be targeted. Skating that line is a constant challenge. I see the consequences for difference in my teen agers, and it both worries and makes me proud. Those guys are coming into their freak factor flying their freak flag high in their own ways.
Maybe I can let down the guard a little, take off my internal "tense face" and relax into the faith that living the example of an ethical life of honesty, compassion, fidelity and love is going to be the path that the young people in my life want to follow because it resonates with something deep inside them that just wants to be happy without someone else having to suffer to make that happen.
Thing 1 has been resistant about leaving the house. He needed a huge decompression after kindergarten and summer programs. It's only been recently that he's even been willing to leave the house for a trip to the grocery store, much less think about field trips and reading groups. On the other hand, he's been talking about his old school and seems to be starting to miss organized kid time. It's time for the social program to shift into gear. The last thing I want is one of those weirdly socialized homeschool kids who have ugly glasses, polyester pants and an intense compulsion towards competitiveness in spelling bees.
On the other side, this time off has done him a world of good. I remember that scene inParenthood in with Steve Martin where he talks about his kids "tense face", and I knew EXACTLY what face he was talking about. I haven't seen that tense face on Thing 1 in a while now, and it relaxes something tense inside of *me* that was really worried.
I don't know what I was worried about. I don't have a complete name to my restless feeling of impending doom or panic, but that feeling was there. In some ways, it's the tension of living and alternative life, parenting in a different way from the way I was parented and the way their dad was parented. We live in a period of experimental parenting, and it becomes a source of serious parental tension when you pick something and all you can do is wait and see if you made a good choice. When thing start to go wonky, it's the parental guilt I feel first. "oh no, did I cause this? Did I cross a line somewhere just like my family said I would?"
The pressure to have a normal child in the face of a society that hasn't even got normal defined very effectively can wreck havoc on the the already sensitive parental guilt buttons. Do I even want my kid to be "normal" when the kids around me are getting increasingly weird, unhealthy and neurotic as an average? Does average = normal?? As a group, we parents not only can't agree on what the best methods of child raising are, but we can't even agree on what the hoped for end goals are.
I don't want my kid to be normal, I want to raise him in a way freer of the hang-ups, short sightedness, and casual neurosis of the world we live in. I want him to be different, but I don't want him to be targeted. Skating that line is a constant challenge. I see the consequences for difference in my teen agers, and it both worries and makes me proud. Those guys are coming into their freak factor flying their freak flag high in their own ways.
Maybe I can let down the guard a little, take off my internal "tense face" and relax into the faith that living the example of an ethical life of honesty, compassion, fidelity and love is going to be the path that the young people in my life want to follow because it resonates with something deep inside them that just wants to be happy without someone else having to suffer to make that happen.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Marraige
My brother got married last weekend. Aside from the general goat rodeo nature of the thing, (being organized sort of last minute) it came together nicely. When the event finally happened, it was lovely. I don't mean the dress and the flowers (which I decorated for the alterpiece and the unity candle. and they looked FABULOUS)and the weird little paper runner and all that. But, the emotive content of the whole thing was lovely.
I have a weird relationship with marriage, and times like these brings that to the surface of my thoughts. I married once. I married rashly, without consideration of the emotional contract I was entering. I married without understanding within myself what marriage meant for me in ways I hadn't consented to. Meaning, I had/have deep seated beliefs about marriage that I don't recall having conciously adopted. I know a lot more about that now, and I view marriage with a wariness that borders on panic.
In some ways, I can't imagine anyone who knew what kinds of things can happen within a marriage contract would willingly choose to subject themselves to that. On the other, it's a beguiling leap of faith and trust between two people. In some ways, they come together stripped raw of their weaponry, tender and vulnerable, ready to take on a commitment not to hurt each other, to hold each other tenderly and commit to a kinder gentler way of approaching the world that, at a minimum, takes into account the well being of at least one other person, usually more since marriage usually = breeding.
That's big stuff. It's so easy to isolate from the world, to turtle up and keep yourself safe. The consequence for the safety that isolation brings is loss of connection to others, to community, to something other than the self. However, compared to how easy it is to get hurt when you extend yourself out of the shell, that consequence seems more than acceptable.
Our patio homes with no yard and huge homes to huddle in show that we are taking our isolation seriously. Why bother building community, when you can just stay inside, keep in touch with the world through cable and the internet, and keep yourself safe. But more and more, people are losing their grip. It's hard to know if you're sane or losing it when you have no context, no reflections of your behavior from other people, no connection to others.
Marriage means there will always be at least one other to consider. When you're considering one other, more others by extension become easier to consider, more of a natural process. The roots of community building as a manifestation of the skills learned through coupling?
In the end, that's the basis of my struggle. I got no beef with commitment. I think it's what makes the world go round. My problem is the marriage, and the context of the social contract I personally live in. (not that I've seen many other social contracts where the wedding contract is acceptable) My brother doesn't have these issues. He believes in what the contract states, and it invokes no particular interior rebellion on his part. His role as a husband and father, monogamy, basic christian values, all of that makes sense to him and is right and good. His faith in that contract makes it a Good Thing. He will rest easier at night knowing that he and his wife are on the same page based on the agreement they made at the alter. I sort of envy that peace of mind.
I have a weird relationship with marriage, and times like these brings that to the surface of my thoughts. I married once. I married rashly, without consideration of the emotional contract I was entering. I married without understanding within myself what marriage meant for me in ways I hadn't consented to. Meaning, I had/have deep seated beliefs about marriage that I don't recall having conciously adopted. I know a lot more about that now, and I view marriage with a wariness that borders on panic.
In some ways, I can't imagine anyone who knew what kinds of things can happen within a marriage contract would willingly choose to subject themselves to that. On the other, it's a beguiling leap of faith and trust between two people. In some ways, they come together stripped raw of their weaponry, tender and vulnerable, ready to take on a commitment not to hurt each other, to hold each other tenderly and commit to a kinder gentler way of approaching the world that, at a minimum, takes into account the well being of at least one other person, usually more since marriage usually = breeding.
That's big stuff. It's so easy to isolate from the world, to turtle up and keep yourself safe. The consequence for the safety that isolation brings is loss of connection to others, to community, to something other than the self. However, compared to how easy it is to get hurt when you extend yourself out of the shell, that consequence seems more than acceptable.
Our patio homes with no yard and huge homes to huddle in show that we are taking our isolation seriously. Why bother building community, when you can just stay inside, keep in touch with the world through cable and the internet, and keep yourself safe. But more and more, people are losing their grip. It's hard to know if you're sane or losing it when you have no context, no reflections of your behavior from other people, no connection to others.
Marriage means there will always be at least one other to consider. When you're considering one other, more others by extension become easier to consider, more of a natural process. The roots of community building as a manifestation of the skills learned through coupling?
In the end, that's the basis of my struggle. I got no beef with commitment. I think it's what makes the world go round. My problem is the marriage, and the context of the social contract I personally live in. (not that I've seen many other social contracts where the wedding contract is acceptable) My brother doesn't have these issues. He believes in what the contract states, and it invokes no particular interior rebellion on his part. His role as a husband and father, monogamy, basic christian values, all of that makes sense to him and is right and good. His faith in that contract makes it a Good Thing. He will rest easier at night knowing that he and his wife are on the same page based on the agreement they made at the alter. I sort of envy that peace of mind.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
